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Fabulously RAW - Issue 004 (June 13th, 2005)

Posted in In My Head by Tyler at 18:26, Jun 13 2005

by Captain Stratusfied

After a week's absence, your second favorite Captain is back with RAW: Reviewed. This week, I'm gonna' give my quick and probably controversial opinions on ECW One Night Stand, then move on to this week's RAW, where I'll cover everything that happened from Stone Cold Steve Austin's appearance to the big draft pick this week, along with the return of a certain Showstopper. Is Muhammad Hassan the next Intercontinental Champion? Are Lita and Edge still impressing? Is Chris Masters finally beginning to entertain? Is Christian going to de-hood the WWE Champion at Vengeance? Are Viscera and Lilian REALLY an item??

First, a short summary of my opinions on the ECW One Night Stand pay-per-view. This one's gonna' piss a lot of people off. Let's get one thing straight: I am not an ECW fan. Not because I didn't like it, but because I never watched it, so how COULD I be a fan? But, I never put it down because I'd never experienced it. How was I supposed to knock it until I'd watched it? Well, this past Sunday, I watched it. I wasn't going to order it because it wasn't for me, I knew I wasn't going to have a clue and I was going to leave it to the real ECW fans, but a friend of mine watched the show and immediately suggested I order the replay because it was the best pay-per-view he'd ever seen. So, how else am I supposed to respond to that? I got my ass out of my chair and ordered the replay. ? I was not impressed. I wasn't entertained. Sorry folks. I guess I'm just a new-school fan who appreciates the entertainment in the good, solid wrestling matches and (usually) interesting storylines we see today. Don't get me wrong, I like a hardcore match every now and then, but lots of blood and broken tables doesn't make a good match for me. I put together my favorite moments from the show afterward and realized that all the things I liked were dealing with the WWE wrestlers in attendance, like when Paul Heyman made an ass out of himself by saying he had two words for Edge, then gave him three words because he was so happy he had the "guts" to say "Matt frickin' Hardy" to the man and no one with a script could do that, that he accidentally added another word. Wonder how long it took him to write that. Edge added salt to Paul's wounds by playing it off like it really was in the script, then making fun of him along with Tomko, I believe, for not being able to count. Yep, Edge proving he's better than Paul Heyman was my favorite part of the night. Anyway, although I understand that (apparently) everyone else in the world loved this show, I found it to be a complete waste of my 35 bucks. Just my opinion.

So, the above withstanding, I was very happy by the end of RAW this week to see there was no furthering of this ECW angle that I was hating so badly. I even hated the end of RAW last week when the ECW invaders ran over Bischoff's crusaders and brought their own little perdy banner. I do not need another WCW/ECW Alliance VS. WWE situation, thank you. Stone Cold Steve Austin opened up this weeks show and was at the top of his game. Let's just get this out of the way: I'm a complete Steve Austin mark. There. Now, moving on, the highlight of this whole thing for me was Steve muttering "I see sand people" when Muhammad and Daivari walked out. A bit racy, I know, but really, he's Steve Austin and he can say whatever the hell he wants. Stone Cold Court was great. He gave Muhammad what he really deserves: A fair one-on-one shot at the Intercontinental Title. I shudder at the thought of how long Shelton Benjamin has had that title. How sickening. The guy is about as entertaining as watching a fruit basket. Needless to say, I was really pulling for Muhammad in this match, but I wasn't upset when Steve Austin jumped in and caused the match to end in a disqualification, because, ya' know? he's Steve Austin. And this just means Muhammad is totally busting Shelty up and robbing him of everything he's stolen from the legacy of the Intercontinental Title at Vengeance.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff tells Coach that he never wants to hear anything about ECW ever again. Me either, Eric. Chris Jericho walks in and questions why Christian is getting the WWE title match at Vengeance against John Cena instead of himself. Duh, Chris. He's the Captain of all things Charismatic. Jericho tells Eric that he will prove to him by the end of the night that he is the one that should be getting the WWE title shot, and not Christian. Hmph. He turns to leave, and in walks Triple H. We now have a short moment I really enjoyed between these two. Triple H mutters, "Chris?". Then, Jericho looks up and replies with a hardy-har-har face, "?Hunter.". Jericho leaves and Triple H talks to Eric about tonight's draft pick. Hunter says he's heard that tonight's draft pick has been invited to say anything he wants to Batista. Hunter says he is not going to settle for a second-rate SmackDown! Chump upset Batista and endanger Hunter's chances at Vengeance. He leaves Eric Bischoff smiling, and we now know this is going to be huge.

Chris Masters makes his way to the ring, and no, he's still no entertaining. He offers $11,000 to anyone in the back who can break the Masterlock. Out comes the SARGE. We all know the Sarge is about to get it good, and he does. Sarge says he doesn't want Masters' money, but has a challenge for him. He wants to see if Masters can break out of the Cobra Clutch. So now we have a match? a match that consists of about two moves. First, Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch, and Masters (luckily) gets to the ropes. Masters manages to get the Masterlock in and Sarge passes out after damn near breaking the hold. Another pointless segment. Please, I beg of you, keep this guy on Heat until he's interesting.

Next, we're shown ANOTHER God-awful video hyping the Hell in a Cell match at Vengeance. As bad as I hate John Cena, I'm confident in saying I think Triple H must have got bored being overshadowed by the doctor of thuganomics. This video covered the ENTIRE Triple H and Batista feud, all the way back to the RAW and SmackDown! Contract decision by Batista. Shew. This was so hard to sit through. And SHOCKINGLY? this Triple H feud will END in a HELL IN A CELL match!! Please, note the sarcasm.

It's time for the first real match of the night, and we're halfway through the show. But damn, it's nice to know who's involved. Christian and Tyson Tomko are out first, and my man Christian is wearing the most awesome ring gear you or your mama have ever seen. I know, he debuted this weeks ago, but I can't get over it. Barbie said it best when he pointed out that entrance gear is designed to possibly show off a championship belt. Hot damn. Anyway, next out is the team of Chris "HUGE Rockstar" Jericho and John "Suck It" Cena. I obviously loved this match considering Christian was in it, but what I loved even more is when Chris Jericho turned on that son of a bitch partner of his after he stole Jericho's spotlight by pinning Tomko. Walls of Jericho on the outside? it doesn't get much better than that. But I'm already sick of seeing Christian job to that loser of a WWE Champion.

We're shown a special segment on the Diva Search 2005 competition that is getting pretty close. I have nothing positive to say about this, so I'm going to move on.

Jericho confronts Bischoff and says there is no way Bischoff can't give him the title match at Vengeance after what he just did. So, Bischoff tells him he's right and in steps the man of the hour, night, month, and year, Christian. Christian says the WWE title match at Vengeance is his, but Eric assures Christian he's taking nothing away from him and makes the match a triple threat match between Cena, Jericho, and Christian. And out of nowhere we're treated to John "Go Back To SmackDown!" Cena running in and tackling Jericho. And, maybe I was the only one that noticed, but then we're treated to seeing Cena fall flat on his ass when he tried to get back up and tackle Jericho again. Good stuff.

Held back as he is, Maven is up next in a match against? VISCERA. And who's this Viscera has with him? Why, it's Lilian Garcia, of course! The two appear to be an item now, and I love it! But, let's just hope this doesn't mean Big Vis's pimpin' days are over. Lilian better have an open mind. Big Vis wins the match, even pulling out the ass-rape again, which I've grown to love. This whole thing is to basically let us know that Lilian has finally fallen for the big man, and it was a nice little entertaining segment.

Triple H and Ric Flair are talking backstage about how they need to make a stand because Hunter runs RAW and blah, blah. WHATEVER he has planned, Ric likes it, so it's obviously good. We love the Naitch.

Kane is now up in a match against Sylvain Grenier, AKA the star power of La Resistance. Obviously, a short match, but a short match that ended with three consecutive Chokeslams. If you need me to announce who won at this point, please, stop reading now. Just as Kane is about to set off his end-match pyros, Lita's music hits and I now have to change my pants. Lita apologizes for interrupting, because she knows Kane likes to go out with a bang. She says she has two points to get to, and first brings out Snitsky. Oh gosh, this is gonna' be good. She says just to clear the air, she now knows what Snitsky has been trying to stress to her over and over again all along: it wasn't his fault. She says she really wants to thank Snitsky because she didn't want a little monstrous baby running around anyway. She then goes on to stress that the "really? REALLY" wants to thank him, then lays a big, disgusting kiss on Big Ugly. That was hot. Ugly says it was his pleasure, and Lita can now get to her next piece of business. She calls out her man. Edge's music hits, and I, yet again, have to go change my pants. Edge, AKA Jesus Christ himself, walks out with a Kane shirt on, so we know this is going some place good. Lita announces that since Kane signed the annulment papers, there is no need to wait? Edge and Lita are getting married NEXT WEEK, LIVE on RAW. Omigosh, I think I'm gonna' need about five extra pairs of pants handy next week. Edge goes on to give us a little touch of his wholesome, clean-cut humor. He points at his shirt, which displays an animated image of Kane that makes him appear to only have one eye. Edge says they may call Kane the monster, but after he married Lita next week, he's going to be showing her the REAL one-eyed monster. Oh? my God. I love these two, and Lita makes the best slut ever, even better than Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.

In the last segment of the night, Triple H and Ric Flair make their way to the ring to talk about how this week's draft is not going to ruin his chances to win the Hell in a Cell match at Vengeance. Well, right after he repeats the same damn speech he gives every single night. He's soon interrupted by the newest member of RAW? KURT ? FRICKIN' ANGLE. Thank you, Vince. Kurt Angle is back on RAW and he's all up in Triple H's business. Those two exchange words for a while, and Triple H says the last time he saw Kurt, he was getting his ass kicked by Booker T's wife, Sharmell. Kurt says he has a thing for peoples' wives (see, Kurt's on your side, too, Edge), and speaking of peoples' wives, he says he got away with a lot screwing around with Triple H's wife a few years ago. After a decent argument, Batista makes a grand entrance and after a lot of debating, it is decided that next week on RAW, Kurt Angle will have his first RAW match when he meets the World Heavyweight Champion, Batista in a one-on-one match. Then, out of freakin' NOWHERE, "Sexy Boy" hits and here comes Shawn freakin' Michaels. Gosh, this man is THE MAN. HBK makes it short and sweet, saying he promised the fans it would happen, and at Vengeance, he wants Kurt Angle in a WrestleMania 21 rematch! Wow! This is gonna' be good. The four get into a huge brawl as RAW goes off the air.

A pretty good show. Not a lot of good in-ring action, but lots of good, solid advances in some pretty good storylines. I was just very happy there was no ECW B.S. in the show. Go ahead, let the hate mail flow. The address is below. Until then, stay FABULOUS.

thewindowseat@gmail.com

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