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Fabulously RAW - Issue 005 (June 20th, 2005)

Posted in In My Head by Tyler at 18:27, Jun 20 2005

by The Captain

Another week, another review by The Captain. Tonight, we don't have to suffer from a Chris Masters appearance, but unfortunately are not treated to the rumored Trish Stratus return or even a whole lot of Christian. But a few things went down that made up for that in my eyes. Someone "cool" got drafted this week, we found out a certain big man might get lucky at Vengeance, and Edge and Lita remember an old friend during their wedding. Yes? this was a pretty COOL episode of RAW.

The show opens with one of the newest members of RAW, John "I get my entire vocabulary from '90s rap hits" Cena. He comes out and bitches about Christian and Chris Jericho and I barely listen to a word of it because this guy bores me to death. Then I hear Muhammad Hassan's theme song, and RAW immediately gets interesting. Muhammad says Cena is just like every other American, but Cena interrupts him and says everything he's saying is getting old. Like that's not the case with Cena. John then goes on to challenge Muhammad Hassan to a match right now, and Hassan, like a GOOD American, exit's the ring and says he has to get ready for the match. It will happen later in the night.

Next up, Eric Bischoff says he is about to reveal this week's draft pick. But first, he welcomes the reigning (and boring) Intercontinental Champion, Shelton Benjamin. He says much like how Jericho didn't know who he was going to be facing for the title the night Shelton won it from him? well.. Then Shelton interrupts him and says he knows what he's going to say. He was going to say Shelton will defend his title against tonight's draft pick. Then, Shelton got shown up for interrupting the MAN when CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL's music hits! Oh my god, this is the best draft decision yet. So, the Intercontinental title is on the line. Shelton VS Carlito. This was a pretty good match and? oh, I can't continue. I'm too excited about the results. Someone has FINALLY dethroned Shelton, and who better than Carlito?! Wow. Welcome, Carlito. We love you.

Maria interviews Carlito next and asks him how he ended Shelton's title reign??? so he tells her to go get him an apple. She does. And he spits it in her face. What a dumbass. I like her. But I like Carlito more.

Big Vis is up next. Simon Dean is waiting in the ring and he talks some trash as Vis is walking to the ring. Vis shuts him up and quickly puts him away to win the match. He pulled put the ass-rape in there somewhere. Afterward, Lilian gets in the ring and says next week in Vegas, Big Vis might get lucky. Wow. I love these two, but Vis should still be a player.

Grish interviews Jericho next, who starts talking about how John Cena's album is selling better than his before being interrupted by Christian. THE man. Christian basically tells Jericho that Jericho, Cena, and both their albums.. Suck. Well, he's 50% correct. I love that Cap'n.

Next is a boring video clip for the Hell in a Cell match at Vengeance. Uhg.

Kurt and Eric Bischoff talk backstage. Kurt sucks up to Bischoff a little and says he's going to beat HBK for the second time at Vengeance. They decide that they are going to be great friends. Such a touching moment.

Now we are treated to the biggest wedding ever to happen on RAW. Edge and Lita. Everything seems to be going well. They play a romantic little video package of how they came together, and exchange their vows. The audience started chanting "boring", even though they know they were having the time of their lives. Lita says she's never been in love with any man before Edge, and that if loving Edge makes her a slut, then she's proud to be the slut of the century. See, the fans can't win with Lita. She's better than them. Snitsky comes out at some point with a lovely poem about how it wasn't his fault Lita had a dead baby in her uterus. Then, when the priest asks if anyone objects, MATT HARDY's music hits. Wow. I was watching this with a friend and we were speechless. Then? the music stops. And Edge and Lita start laughing. Then I start rolling over. This was the best thing to happen since Edge and Lita first made out a few weeks ago. They definitely fooled me for a second. It was genius. Hilarious. Edge says he had to do it. He couldn't himself. The fans went nuts. Ha. Eat that. So, the wedding continues.. Then out of nowhere, Kane pops his ugly ass head up through the ring floor. He breaks through the ring floor and proceeds to ruin a perfectly good wedding. He knocks Edge out of the ring and grabs Lita by the throat. Oh, God. Please Edge, save your pure, wholesome love. And he does. The dashing prince comes to the rescue and carries Lita away from the ring. Whew. Kane helps the priest up? then decides he wants to send a message. He hoists the priest up and nails him with a Tombstone. Poor priest. Edge and Lita come out of this segment better than all of you again, and for those who found the Matt Hardy stuff to be "wrong", well, get over yourselves. You got outsmarted, and I can't stress this enough: Edge and Lita are better than you. And Adam Copeland and Amy Dumas are waaay more awesome than you.

Christy blabs about something? I was too busy commenting on how much I hate her to listen. Then, Victoria blasts her from behind with a vase or something. I hope Victoria kills her at Vengeance.

Next up, John Cena takes on Muhammad Hassan. This is too disappointing. Muhammad jobbed to Cena, getting his first loss on RAW. This was totally lame. Cena squashed him in no time. Cena sucks in the ring, and he just sucks altogether. And this is who Muhammad loses his streak to? SmackDown! should feel lucky not to have this guy anymore.

This was a nice, relaxing end to RAW. Although, I think the wedding should have ended the show. It was just too good. I liked seeing Batista, Michaels, Angle, and Hunter in the ring together. I'm still not looking forward to the Hell in a Cell match at all, but I can't wait to see Kurt VS Shawn this Sunday. Angle and HBK fought out through the crowd and the show ended when Triple H defeated the champion with a Pedigree. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I can't wait for this feud to be over.

An overall pretty good show. There were some bad points but Carlito getting drafted and taking the Intercontinental Title from that boring excuse for a wrestler Shelton Benjamin, then Edge and Lita pulling one over on the idiotic fans made it all better. As always, email questions and/or comments to the address below. Until next week, make like Edge's wedding attire and stay FABULOUS.

thewindowseat@gmail.com

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