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Phuckyou's Phucked Up Review Of No Mercy '07

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 06:03, Apr 20 2008

By Phuckyou420

Cena/Orton 3: Last Man Standing. WWE was banking on this one match to be the main selling point of No Mercy '07. However, we know how that turned out. For those of you who don't know, Cena was seriously injured a week before the PPV was set to take place. WWE was in scramble mode. What would they do with the title? How would it be defended on the PPV? How did HHH figure in?? Wait, HHH?? Yeah, Triple H was three months into his come back, and set to take on Umaga on the PPV, but he would play a huge role in the outcome of the PPV. On the Smackdown side, Batista was set to go to prison......A Punjabi Prison!!!!!

WWE always has kick ass opening segments, and this one is no different. The bible quotes over the images of Cena's dominace was cool, especially the part, ".......Alas, the rain is over." The opening also eluded to the fact that anyone, perhaps even Cody Rhodes, could end up WWE Champion. Now, if I had ordered this on PPV, I'd be excited. Maybe WWE was planning a mini-tournament or a fatal 4 way. Of course, we know what happened, and knowing this, I am dissapointed that there wasn't a tournament or four way match.

Grade: B

Mr. McMahon and Regal. This PPV is already awesome. God, they make it sound so historic. What's so historic about HHH wrestling three times in one night? Vince, ever the blowhard, announces Randy Orton is the new WWE Champion. Logical move. I don't know why people hate Orton so much. Sure he garbles some promos, but he does have great matches. So Orton gets to pick his opponent, and HHH talks him into it being him. If I were Orton, I would've refused and instead chose Stevie Richards to a championship match. Why must HHH wait at the turnbuckle and look out into the crowd when he enters a ring, like that will make the crowd cheer for him more? Good God, it's only the first segment, and I already want to go to sleep. Shut the fuck up HHH.

Grade: D

Ok, on to the first championship match tonight, HHH/RKO. After some offense by HHH, Orton tries to go back to the dressing room, but HHH brings him back. After some reversals, HHH connects with a Harley Race knee. Randy Orton escapes a suplex, and hits an inverted back breaker. Marty Elias has blossomed into a fine referee. You know why Randy Orton is awesome?? He brought back the Garvin Stomp. The fact that both guys have already used some of their signature moves (High Knee, Inverted Backbreaker, Garvin Stomp) tells me this match will be on the short side. HHH is pulling out some moves that I'm not used to seeing, like the superplex. Of course, as soon as I type that, he connects with a spinebuster. Watch your quad HHH. Orton's DDT off the second rope is impressive. After the DDT, Orton sets up for the RKO, but HHH reverses it into the Pedigree. Orton flips HHH off his back amd goes for a kneedrop. HHH misses and tries to apply the figure four, but he can't. So HHH wins becuase HHH rolls Orton up, after Orton smashes shoulder first into the turnbuckle. At first, the end pissed me off. But looking back at it, the fact thst HHH didn't get to use the Pedigree means that Orton will be "healthier" going into his rematch later on tonight.

Grade: B-

The twenty second segment backstage was perfect. Sometimes you say more by saying nothing. Mr. McMahon looking at Orton with disgust and shaking his head as Orton is looking bewildered, priceless.

Grade: A

Sweet a bonus six man match. Jeff Hardy and Londrick taking on Kennedy and Cade/Murdoch makes me a happy guy. Fuck, the crowds pops whenever Jeff is in the ring. It's too bad he is always fucking himself over, or he could be a big star....a real big star. I laughed when Murdoch seperated the ropes, and Kendrick fell to the outside. Cade and Murdoch are a great team, and they shouldn't be broken up. So, the heels are beating up Kendrick, which is going to setup the inevitable hot tag. Kennedy looked like he was going to behead Kendrick with that running boot. Cade, you moron, why would you put a high flyer on the top turnbuckle. Hot tag to Hardy, and all the girls get moist panties. Swanton Bomb on Murdoch, and this one is over. Oh shit, Cade broke it up. London fucks up, first by missing the dropkick from the top rope, and next by wiffing on the spinning heel kick. Kenton Bomb on London wins the match. A solid, but unspectacular match.

Grade: C+

Uh-Oh......It's a Batista and HHH staredown, and I have to turn the volume up because they are whispering sweet nothings to each other. Vince then informs HHH that he will be facing Umaga for the title later on.

Rating: C-

It's time for the ECW Championship. I will tell you this before I watch the match, I already think this match will suck. But, CM Punk is in his hometown, so at least the crowd will be into it. Viscera's moon tattoo on his right tittie has always bothered me. After 4 minutes, Punk moves out of the way from an oncharging V, and climbs the turnbuckle and dropkicks V. V is on the mat for the first time. Fuck you Matt Striker. Striker slips into the ring following the dropkick, and gets V DQ'ed. V punishes Punk after the match, to show him who the man is. I guess you have to have this ending, because Punk wasn't going to hit the GTS on V.

Rating: D

So they tell us that on the next Smackdown! it will be Kane and Taker vs. MVP and Matt Hardy. That begs the question, why aren't these four on the back of the DVD match listing?? Well fuck, we are privelaged to see a pizza eating contest between MVP and Matt. A PIZZA FUCKING EATING CONTEST?!?!?!? What is this, TNA?? Since when does eating contests need judges?? Well I guess Melina and Maria know alot about the competiitive eating world, because they are the judges. It'd be better if they were both topless. MVP has the best entrance theme. MVP tells Matt an the crowd that he is better than us, and he is. Wow, this segment sucks major donkey dick. It's over, and Hardy wins 2-0. Well the segment improved when Hardy pukes on MVP.

Rating: C......It would've been F, but Hardy puked on MVP.

Well, shit, it's time for HHH vs. Umaga. DDT by HHH, stupid ass. Don't you know that Samoans no sell head shots?? Apparently HHH is as stupid as he looks, because he slams Umaga's head into the steel steps. Hey, fucktard, Samoans never sell the head shot. HHH goes to pedigree Umaga, but he powers out of it. HHH then delivers a spinebuster on Umaga. HHH then tries another Pedigree, but Umaga powers out and connects with a Samoan Drop. Hey look, Marty Elias is the referee for the second WWE title match. Marty you da man. Nice spinning side slam by Umaga. Umaga follows up with a head splash. Umaga goes for the running ass plant, but HHH moves. HHH Pedigrees Umaga for the win.

Rating: C

Hey mother fucker, can you break the code?? I don't think so.

Rating: D

Ranjin Singh, is telling us Khali is in meditation for the Punjabi Prison Match. Singh is a very underrated manager.

Rating: C

My name is Finlay, and I like to fuck sheep. So, it's Finlay vs. Rey-Rey. This should be good. Finlay works over Rey's left arm/shoulder, with a turnbuckle smash and other various hiolds. Rey gets control, and connects with a sitdown plancha. Rey sets Finlay up for the 619, but as Rey is bouncing off the ropes, Finlay connects with a clothesline. Finlay whips Rey into the turnbuckle, and Rey attempts to leap over Finlay, but he catches him and slams his injured shoulder onto his knee. Finlay exposes the turnbuckle, the ref puts the padding back on. Finlay grabs the shilliegheah (i don't know how the fuck to spell it), and creeps towards Rey. Rey kicks the thing away, but Finlay picks him up for a pwoerbomb, but Rey hurranranas Finly to the outside. Finlay climbs up the apron, and gets baseball slide kicked by Rey. Rey goes for the 619, but Finlay ducks. Rey kicks Finlay hard in the head. Finlay now has half his body in the ring, and the other half on the apron. Rey connects with a leg drop on Finlay's neck, and Finlay drops to the outside. Finlay is hurt, and the ref makes the X sign. The doctors check on Finlay, and the stretcher is brought out. I guess this match is over, as Finlay is stretchered to the back. Fucking Awesome!!!! Finlay was faking, and ambushed a distraught Rey. Wait just a minute, why is this match still over?? Finlay wasn't hurt, so what gives??? This match needs an ending. Oh well........

Rating: B+

Vince informs HHH that Orton wants his rematch tonight, in a Last Man Standing Match.

Rating: C

Oh ya, it's time for the Women's title match. Beth Phoenix looks hot as usual. JR tells us this is the first time in 5 years the Women's Title will be defended at No Mercy. Candice Michelle is the champion, and in my opinion is far better than Torrie Wilson, Maria, and Kelly Kelly combined. Candice has improved by leaps and bounds, and looks like she really cares about her craft. I'd fuck her. Candice backs up my statements with a reverse Victory Roll. Candice attempts a Flying Crossbody from the top turnbuckle, but Beth catches her and slams her down hard to the mat. Candice regains control, and actually connects with another Flying Crossbody from the top rope. Beth regains control and connects with a Cradle Suplex for the win. Beth Phoenix is the new WWE Women's Champion. Folks, we have entered the Era OF The Glamazon.

Rating: B-

The Arabic chanting means that we are going to watch the Punjabi Prison match. I wonder how many times Stephanie hit the crack pipe before she came up with the concept for this match. It sucks.

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