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Phuckyou's Phucked Up Review Of Wrestlemania I

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 02:30, May 12 2008

by Phuckyou420

In an attempt to build his empire, and piss off his competition, Vince McMahon started "invading" other promotions and stealing thier talent. McMahon figured that if he had all the talent, then he would be the premier promtotion in the world. McMahon's plan culminated with Wrestlemania, a supercard featuring all of his acquired talent. Sure, the NWA was the first promotion to have an event simulcasted, but fuck, Wrestlemania is the event that gets credit for creating wrestling PPV.

McMahon pitted his big name, Hulk Hogan, and international superstar Mr. T against Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. Piper, who had come over from MACW, often feels he was responsible for the sucess of Wrestlemania.

I was all of 3 years old when this event took place, so I can't speak of the anticipation for the event. Even though I've watched this at least 4 times, I will act as though I have never watched this PPV.

I fucking love old school 'rassling. This should be fun. So we get a graphic running down the card, and it looks good. Can't wait for the Studd-Giant match and the Koloff/Shiek-US Express match. Ahh, the soothing voice of Gorilla Monsoon. Fucking hiliarous, Mene Gene should never be singing the national anthem. God, he needs a cue card to remember the lyrics.

So opening up Wrestlemania is the Flying Burrito Tito Santana and the undefeated Buddy Rose.......Fuck, I mean The Masked Executioner. Fresh off his horrid display of patriotism, Gene Okerlund interviews Tito, who tells us the no one stops him.....Arriba!!! Now Buddy Rose gets interview time, and he stumbles across his promo saying he will attack Tito's injured leg, and that he is a big leaguer. It's only been 5 fucking minutes into the PPV, and Jesse Ventura is saying that it's living up to expectations. After a crisscross, Tito dropkicks Rose out of the ring. Wow, Tito gets a side headlock and runs up the turnbuckle and flips Rose over. It's a 80's version of Sliced Bread #2. Considering this is the 80's, this is a pretty good match. Rose slams Tito down, and goes to the top turnbuckle, and Santana slams him down a la Ric Flair. Flying Forearm by Santana, and Rose submits to the Figure Four Leg Lock.

Rating: C+

Lord Alfred Hayes informs us that King Kong Bundy will take on "that great wrestler" SD Jones. Fuck. I know this will be quick. SD and Bundy do some pre-fight interviews, nothing spectactular. So, I just saw the arena clock, and it was 1:12. After this match it will say 1:12. The bell rings, Bundy slams him into the turnbuckle, hits the avalanche, and hits a splash, and the match is fucking over. 9 seconds.

Rating: F. Nothing says Wrestling Superbowl, like a fucking squash match.

We go to the back, where we learn that Ricky Steamboat will take on Big Josh.......Uh, I mean Doink......Wait, I fucking mean Matt Borne. Matt Borne says that Steamboat is too nice to be a wrestler, and Steamboat says that he came to the WWF to develop his mean streak. Hey, Matt, you look fucking awesome with your blonde hair and brown beard. Steamboat has some agility. It's a fucking shame that Steamboat never won the WWF Heavyweight Championship. Damn, Borne is pounding away on Steamboat. But of course, Steamboat reverses it. Borne hits a nice gut wrench suplex on Steamboat. Steamboat hits a flying body press for the win. This match was a dissapointment, as it was slow moving. So after three matches, we get two Portland guys, Matt Borne and Buddy Rose, and they both lose.

Rating: C-

So now we get Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino. Holy Fuck!!!! Johnny Valiant refuses to let Beefcake speak. Which would be a good idea, except Valiant just got done cutting one of the worse promo's I've ever seen. Why in blue hell is Beefcake announced as coming from Parts Unknown??? What about Beefcake seems mysterious?? Maybe it's his red vest and bow tie?? David Sammartino proves time and time again that it's hard to follow a legend. Hahaha, Monsoon just called David Sammartino----David Valiantino.......You fucked up Gorilla. After watching this match, it's unfair that David didn't go as far as he did. Or maybe he just had his best match ever this night. The crowd is definately behind David, with audible "Dave....Id" chants. This match ends in a double DQ, after David was thrown outside, and Johnny body slammed David. This caused Bruno to kick the shit out of Valiant.

Rating: B-

Lord Alfred Hayes tells us that next we get JYD vs. Greg Valentine for the IC Title. Valentine tells us that he is the greatest IC Champ ever, and he is down 16 pounds. JYD says something unintelligible. Something about buying a bunch of bones or something. Grab Them Cakes!!!!! This is a good back and forth brawl, with lots of leg work by Valentine. Valentine does his obligatory free fall after a head butt by JYD. JYD grabs Jimmy Hart, and Valentine runs and attempts a running forearm, but JYD moves. Valentine crashes into Jimmy Hart. JYD gets in control with some punches, but Valentine double arm take downs JYD, and with his feet on the ropes, gets the pin. Tito runs in and tells the ref that Valentine used the ropes. The ref says the match must continue, but Valentine walks around the ring and gets counted out. Valentine gets pissed at Tito.

Rating: B

So now its time for US Express vs. Volkoff and The Iron Shiek. "You know Gene Mean, this isa my best time ever." What a fucking crackhead The Iron Shiek was. All Barry Windham could say in his promo was "Gene, were on are way to the ring now." You gotta love Lou Albano's peirced cheek. This match starts off great with Rotundo getting the early advantage of the Shiek. Tag to Windham, who delivers a flying forearm. The Iron Shiek tries to power Windahm over to Volkoff. Nikolai ties Windham up, and The Shiek attempts a dropkick, but Windham moves. The bad guys get control over Rotundo. Rotundo needs to tag Windham, and pay his taxes. Hot tag to Windham. Beatiful dropkick by Windham. Windham gets the bulldog on Nikolai. Shiek runs in, and eventually nails Windham with Blassie's cain. We have new champions. Iran number one.....Russia number one.....USA phew!!!!!! After the match we get a promo by the new champions!! Nothing important.

Rating: B+

Now it's time for the 15 thousand Bodyslam Contest. A little known fact about this match was that if Andre didn't slam Studd, he'd have to retire. Meh. This was a downright fucking boring match. The only entertaining part of it was watching Andre throw out Heenan's money to the crowd.

Rating: D+

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun as it's time for the Women's Championship. Lelani Kai is managed by the Fabulous One, Moolah. Wendi Richter is managed by Cyndi Lauper. And I manged to go and take a shit during this match. I come back in time to see Kai knee Richter in the puzz. In one of the worst looking Flying Crossbody Roll Thru's, Richter wins the Women's World Championship.

Rating: D-

It's the cavalcade of celebrities, so it must be time for the main event. I have a question. If Jimmy Snuka was boys with Hogan enough to be in his corner at Wrestlemania, why was he never again associated with Hogan?? Orndorff and Hogan start the match off, after Liberace rings his jewel encrusted bell. Homo. Orndorff backs off of Hogan and tags in Piper. Hogan then tags in Mr. T. Piper and Mt. T take turns bitch slapping each other. T picks Piper up in a Firemans Carry, and drops him. This leads to a big brawl, which leaves the faces in the ring. Muhammad Ali trues and jab Orton. The heels act like they are leaving the arena, but come back. Hogan connects with a big boot that makes Piper fall out of the ring. Piper hits Hogan with a chair. Piper and Orndorff hit a double atomic drop. Orton runs into the ring and gets head butted by Jimmy Snuka. Orton climbs the turnbuckle, and we get one of the most remembered finsihes in wrestling history.

Rating: B

Overall Rating: D/B-

Final Thoughts: This is the PPV that began what we know as the WWE. Without this event being a success, we might not have the WWE. I gave this two grades for one reason. If you have no desire in wrestling history, you'd probably turn this off half way through. But, if you are a wrestling fan, you will enjoy this as a historical moment in wrestling. While. by today's standards the matches were somewhat boring, if you remember what matches were like back then, the matches seem better. I recomend this to any fan of wrestling, but if you are a fan, you probably already watched this. Good night and fuck you.

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