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Half Pint Brawlers - The Second Coming

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 09:18, Jun 17 2010

By: João Gomes

Yes, we do start once again with the famous "Don't Try this at home" screen". After it, we are all headed into what many would think would be the most reasonable opening of any wrestling show: the always expected "midgets sliding down a snowy creek" segment. Bobby is ?invited? to do the first slide. "Don't let him drown, Spider!" we hear. The handy announcer won't allow that to happen... or will he? Nah, Bobby just splashed into a cold as cold can be pond and looked ridiculous while doing it. "I'm soaking wet dude" informs us the always reliable "Beautiful" Bobby, as we jump at full speed towards the opening credits. The HPB starts things up in Chicago, IL, as the gang decided to get a work-out at a nearby gym. Unfortunately for a specific member of HPB, this work-out session is a special work-out session. How so? Well, let's just say that somebody was about to be tested. Who was going to be tested? Well, non-other than Turtle, the rookie. Firstly though, the most experienced wrestlers run the ropes in as a way to tell Turtle what he should do. Hilarity ensues as Turtle tries to run the ropes. ?Turtle is not that athletically inclined? - says Kato. ?We don't want you to get hurt? - says Puppet. With a problem in sight, the always cunning Puppet comes with a plan: being that Turtle is not that athletic gifted, maybe, just maybe, he could some stunts instead. Many stunts are thrown around as Puppet reflects on the necessity of having somebody drinking his own urine. Turtle is appointed as a possible ?Urine Drinker?. He decides positively. ?I'll give anything a shot? says Turtle (what a great motto to have if you are/want to be a pro-wrestler). Puppet tells us (now live from his house) that today, we will have a party at HPB's. Obviously, being that this is a HPB's party there will be an extra: Turtle will be ?tested?. Puppet informs the gang, that they will be meeting the world famous Chicago Bears at that said party. Well, actually, not the Bears per say but other type of bears: the bear from ?Bear Party? magazine, a magazine dedicated to the wonders of hairy male individuals. Unknowingly the gang chants ?Bears! Bears! Bears!? (as in Chicago Bears). As they arrive they do see many Bears, many non tackling Bear that exude of chest and body hair. Bobby is pissed off. As they are all backstage, Turtle is informed of the fact that he will be dressing up in a bear costume and parade himself to the audience. Kato laughs maniacally as Turtle is put on the bear costume. He laughs his butt off... until he's to get into a separate bear costume as well. Not a good day for Kato. The organization then tells Puppet, if the ?volunteers? would also strip. Kato isn't happy thinking of the possibility of having to strip amongst other men. Turtle unfortunately doesn't have a say on this issue being that he has to comply in order to join the gang. Thankfully Puppet asks Turtle which song he wants to be played as the strips. That doesn't seem to be his biggest concern. As Puppet gets the party started, as the obvious M.C. He tells the fine people in the audience ?Who wants to get drunk with midgets tonight??. The crowd answers favoringly as they they then behold the recently introduced Turtle stripping and doing (what the kids nowadays would call) ?his thang?. Turtle is not a good male stripper though he is finely tipped by those in attendance. A fine party indeed which is then succeeded by yet another trip, this time to Bloomington, Indiana. Before they arrive to their destiny, they stop at an hardware store to buy some plunder. No catch-as-catch wrestling matches tonight, kids. They goof around with that said plunder as they buy plenty of items: from staple guns, to garbage cans, to toilet accessories, they buy it all. 180.13$ they spend. Worth every penny. As they return to the van, the gang discusses Turtle's legitimacy as a pro-wrestler as Turtle listens to it all. They are playing with this man's feeling for Zeus sake!?. They arrive at the party (which will feature the world famous DJ Unique! Yeah!). Puppet informs the HPB crew what the main event will consist of: midgets on oily whores action. Bobby quickly volunteers. ?Shut up, the midget wants to talk? is Puppet's war cry for tonight.
Puppet then dares Turtle to drink his own urine. Being that he promised to comply, he so does as promised. Television history is made. Some skank is dared to make out with Turtle after he drank from his own shower, and being also that she would get a free beer if she did that, she didn't even have to think twice. He quickly go backstage as Puppet raves about how great Turtle was ?out there? to the surprise of Kato. Indeed, Turtle wants to be a Half Pint Brawler. We see the preparation for the big whore-a-thon of midget on whore main event ?exhibition?. Bobby, Puppet and Turtle (which this time is doing something besides being hazes) are the men on the HPB side. The whores are on the whores team. Bobby almost kills one of the female social prostitutes with a splash as they brawl as Turtle gets his first official victory as he pins ?The Human DST bandwagon?. ?I'm really excited now that I'm officially an Half Pint Brawler? says Turtle. I'm sure you are, just stay sited for a little longer.

Surrender is not an option!

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