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DVD Review - Backdoor to Chyna

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 15:22, Jul 29 2011

by Easy E

I was asked to review this DVD as a joke in the chat room, a joke started by the man himself, Jack E. Jones. At first I didn't take the angle very seriously, I mean who in their right mind would want to do a review of a Chyna porno. But the more I started thinking about it, the more the idea grew onto me. While I admit that Afro sent me the first part, apparently he was too sickened by what he saw, he was unable to continue watching the second part. And I came to the conclusion that if this DVD was too much for Afro, then it would make Jack's beard fall off, leave One Inch Biceps puking in the corner, and even the Sex Monster Hollywood Morey would have to spit a few times on the ground after watching something like this. It's a test of a man's intestinal fortitude. Can one man seriously review this DVD without gouging his eyes out? Can he review it and still sleep at night? Well, since I don't sleep much anyway, I guess I will have to damn well try. So here it is folks, my review of Backdoor to Chyna.

The porno begins of course, with Chyna in her purple and lace bra and panties, with a black see through negliges on. She is standing on a balcony overlooking the warm California hills, talking to the camera man about her being from Upstate New York, how she came to California to compete in beauty and fitness pageants, and how she met up with Triple H and Shawn Micheals. They then go into the first disgusting part of the DVD. Chyna, in a black semi see through bustier with black fishnet stockings and high heels to match, is laying doggy style on a couch in some dingy warehouse, playing with her vagina. As if the sight of it wasn't enough, it looks like she had recently shaved down a love patch of epic proportions. We are then taken to a side angle of her playing with herself, only to notice her ridiculous boob job. While they did a good job hiding the scars when Chyna sits upright or is on her back, when she lets them hang down in this doggy style position we can clearly see the indentation scar from her breast augmentation. This sight would probably make younger men puke. I admit it was a striking first blow to the gut from the DVD, I actually had to pause and gather my composure. After the knot in my stomach released itself, I pressed onward, deeper into the jungle of debauchery that is filmed on this DVD.

Then we are taken back to the balcony for more of Chyna's thoughts about wrestling, learning how to wrestle, traveling on the road, and just having fun. We are then taken back to the couch for more masturbation and close up shots of Chyna. At some point in time a silver dildo comes into play, which gave me horrible flashbacks of the first Chyna porno. And before she begins to use it we are back on the balcony, with Chyna talking about her sexual experiences. How she has had only a few boyfriends, and one lesbian experience, but that she really liked it. After she has a laugh about it, we return to the dingy warehouse couch, where Chyna is joined by Diana Prince and Dylan Ryder (no relation to Zack Ryder.) The two porn stars begin to team up on Chyna, getting into some lesbian foreplay. Diana and Dylan begin to strip, and Dylan begins to massage the sides of Chyna's vagina, as Diana makes out with her. Dylan then begins quite possibly the bravest act I have ever seen, and begins to munch on Chyna's carpet, and going to work with her fingers. If you thought the breast implant scars would turn you off, then it is my sworn duty as a writer to remind you that Chyna as a clitoris the size of a Crayola Crayon. Soon Diana enters the fray, having Chyna play with her pussy as she sits above her on the side and top of the couch. The three then begin to make out in a display that would leave Jerry "The King" Lawler more upset than the time he saw Mae Young's boobs at the year 2000 Royal Rumble.

Chyna then begins eating out Diana as Dylan goes to work on her muff. Diana really begins to get into it, moaning with pleasure, and the camera goes to a shot of Dylan fingering herself and going to work on Chyna. This goes on for a few minutes, and then as if by the hand of god, we are given a moment of relief as the camera watches Dylan work her own bearded clam harder than Bob Backlund did his entire five years being the WWE Champion. The relief is short lived however, as we are moved on to Dylan and Diana teaming up on Chyna again. Another ten minutes of lesbian foreplay follows to say the least, and Dylan then introduces the most unlucky object in the world, the silver dildo, to Chyna's pussy. The three then begin some dirty talk, in an attempt to get the audience aroused. Instead, it activated some acid reflux from my stomach, and I was forced once again to pause, grab a drink of water and a bottle of peptol bismo. After a quick breather, the torture continued. After 15 minutes of serious lesbian dildo play between the three of them, the scene then ends with Diane, as Chyna finger's her pussy to an aggressive climax, with Dylan cheering them on. One imagines that this is enough for one man to actually watch in one evening without puking, and this was around the time where Afro stopped watching the DVD. He never informed me if he got any further, but I applaud that he got this far. Any other man would have been on the ground, stomach turned inside out, begging for medical care. Chyna then comments about her first lesbian scene, and that after a while she felt really comfortable with her costars.

Moving on to the next scene, you guessed it, in the same dingy warehouse, only this time the couch is replaced with a black leather loveseat. Chyna is dressed in a black and white checkered bra and panties, and quickly strips out of the bra, and begins to play with her breasts. Then two male hands begin to play with them, and then she turns around to let the hands caress her butt. They begin to play with her vagina, and the scene moves into a pov blowjob. Her male counterpart lifts her up into the air to perform a standing sixty nine, and then moves onto the loveseat, with Chyna receiving some aggressive oral sex. They then begin the dirty deed, and the male oversells the scene, getting more aggressive as he goes deeper and deeper in. Then, as New Yorkers like Taso the Greek and myself usually say, he begins to totally wreck Chyna's puss. He then lifts her off the loveseat, as if they were banging while preforming a power bomb, something that Chyna is probably familiar with. They then move back onto the loveseat as Chyna begins to ride on top of him, eventually moving to a reverse cowgirl. Chyna then abruptly moves into a blow job, then moves to the missionary position, as the male actor begins working up a sweat banging the shit out of her. This scene ends in a facial shot, with the male grunting and overselling his climax, just like any other porno, and Chyna acting like his sperm is the best tasting thing in the world.

After the end of that scene, Chyna talks a little more about what she did after the WWE, how she went to Japan and worked for a professional fighting group, her stint in Playboy, and how her career in pornography was going well for her, and how she is comfortable being an exhibitionist. She comments about her time with the Surreal Life, her "pioneering" in reality television, and just being an all around attention whore. She also elaborated her interest in being a porn star, wanting to work with Vivid, and plugging her book, "If They Only Knew." For those who are interested, the book is an autobiography, and not about wrestling. So after about 15 minutes of Chyna selling herself, we move onto the next scene. Chyna is wearing one of those risque leopard print teddies with matching thong. Another leather loveseat is behind her, this one looking more expensive than the last. She then begins a striptease, slowly peeling off the teddy. After around 10 minutes, she begins to play with herself with a gray dildo, this one actually has a vibrator inside. The scene ends with a brief climax, and another seaming less transition is done into the next scene.

Chyna wearing the same leopard print teddy begins foreplay with a different male actor. After some tit sucking and pussy play, the scene then moves into an aggressive blowjob by Chyna, were the male just literally begins fucking Chyna's face. He then begins to dirty talk to her, as if expecting a response while his cock is balls deep in her mouth. Chyna then goes down to the missionary position, as her male counterpart begins the dirty deed. After a few minutes of this, the male then Chyna begins a short oral sex session, followed by another missionary position fuck job, another blowjob, and then follows this grisly image up with another reverse cowgirl. Chyna then presses on for more oral as her male counterpart sits on the couch. They then move back into fucking, the male overselling his part the whole time. Then after a quick blowjob, the dirtiest part of this entire porn hits you like a flying brick. Chyna gets back down into the doggy position, and her male counterpart enters her asshole. The man then boasts, and I quote "Oh, yeah just wrap your little fucking ass around my cock." He then begins to oversell the anal sex, as Chyna agrees, trying to sell the pleasure but still dealing with the pain of a cock in her ass. I literally choked on the cigarette I was smoking, and the knot in my stomach had returned again. I had to do some controlled breathing to regain my composure, after the coughing session I had. I mean that part just literally hits you like a brick in the sternum, your breath is taken aback, and your stomach does a full 360 like you were riding along in a Jet fighter during a dogfight. My side began to split a bit in pain, but after a few moments, I continued to press on, summoning the will of the readers much like Hulk Hogan summons the will of the fans.

After about 15 to 20 minutes of this atrocity, another one unfolds as Chyna goes ass to mouth. You would think this would be just as bad, but since the first one just comes right out of nowhere, the ass to mouth is not that bad. He then begins to wreck Chyna's face, wrapping his legs around her head like he's halfway through a flying head scissors takeover, or for you Santa Loco fans out there, a Hurricanrana. After that horrible ass to mouth part, he then returns to the the great wall of Hershey Chyna. Again its just oversold by the male as Chyna endures it. Then Chyna, obviously not giving a shit, takes from ass to vagina, which is just plain wrong. Mind you all this action is bareback as well. If your haven't stopped reading this by now, you are either holding back vomit, or spitting in the garbage can. After the two have worked up a sweat from fucking, he climaxes on her breasts and face, with Chyna rubbing it on her body, left with this look like she's asking herself "Okay, so when does my asshole close back up?" The filth of this scene I would measure just below the two girls one cup video. I mean its not like she's puking everywhere in some kind of niche porno, but its still something that you could live a healthier life not seeing.

The next scene starts with, you guessed it, another Chyna interview. They ask if she had to use her boobs in her wrestling, and she talks about it being very hard to land boob up, the many wardrobe malfunctions, and how it was a bitch taking chest hits. She also talks about a general attraction to men in the wrestling business. She also talks about how she likes to be open with a guy in a relationship, and having wild sex and how Triple H never got a ride down to Chyna town. We then transition into a gym, where Dayna Vendetta is masturbating in a pink top and black shorts on the end of a weightlifting bench. Chyna is behind her against the wall, in a black sports bra and black shorts. She too is masturbating, watching Dayna masturbate, which is kind of redundant. Dayna shows herself off to the camera and Chyna follows her up with a close up masturbation shot on some of the gym's equipment. The two begin to make out as the male actor is introduced into the scene, and the two fight over his cock during oral sex. Chyna eventually wins as Dayna begins to make out with their male counterpart, but Dayna makes a surprising comeback, taking it down solo as Chyna takes a break and masturbates. Chyna then goes again into a reverse cowgirl, followed by Dayna taking it deep in the same position. Chyna then stuffs her breasts in Dylan's face as the male star begins to play with her pussy. Chyna then goes back to the doggy style, while Dayna plays with her pussy and the male star fucks her slowly. Then Chyna tags in Dayna, and she too takes it like a freaking dog. Meanwhile Chyna masturbates while stroking her back. The two tag again and the male actor begins to fuck Chyna who is fully spread on her back. Dayna then tags back in, taking the reverse cowgirl position for a few minutes, and then Chyna and Dylan begin more oral sex on their man of the hour. The scene finishes with the two sluts on their knees begging for the male's load.

Finally, you the reader have pressed on to the last scene. Well done. If your still reading this, and have successfully held down your lunch, and I salute you sir or madam. Because at this point I am pretty sure you have formulated an opinion, and whether good or bad, you will never look at Chyna the same way again. She's no longer the intimidating body guard from Degeneration X, but now the dirty gutter slut left over from Degeneration X. After taking a few aspirin to kill the headache this dvd produces, I forged ahead through the last scene. And again, why should the last scene start any differently than the rest of them? We have another interview with Chyna, and she admits the next scene is with two guys, again something she has never done. She admits that she has only had serious relationships with one man at a time, she admits she is nervous but she's ready for the new experience. So we begin the debauchery with her in a living room on a white couch, in the purple lace bra and panties getup she begins the movie in, and they quickly move into one guy making out with her, and the other performing oral sex. She then stops making out with the guy and begins to suck his cock, while the other guy continues the oral sex. After a good while, she begins taking turns sucking their dicks, as they move into one male fucking her sideways while she sucks the other male's cock. She swaps both of them back and forth for a good twenty to twenty five minutes, and the two dudes just split her like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs, until they both climax at opposite ends. Then, as if to kick us in the ass, we hear more of Chyna's opinions, she admits she couldn't pick a particular favorite scene, but admits to having a great time, and of course she thanks her fans. And finally the DVD ends.

It's now 7 am. I have spend a majority of this night just writing this review. As the sun comes up on a new day, I guess all I can say is that hope springs on the people out there. At least a million people will wake up with the satisfaction that they neither have a want, need, or even a passing interest in Chyna, let alone a porn film she has starred in. It also leaves me with a headache, a general feeling that braincells were killed somewhere in the process of the DVD, and a general feeling of exhaustion, not from being horny about the Chyna porn, but from bracing my stomach muscles, my chest and abdominal areas, and my soul from the dirt I've just stained it with. On a scale of one to five, I would rate this DVD a zero. This thing should be used as a psychological warfare weapon, because I feel like my ass just went through a good 3 hours of combat. One fails to "get into the mood" of the porno right from the beginning, and the level of discomfort only continues to increase, until someone eventually turns the damn thing off. If I were in charge of congress, I would have a motion to lock this thing up into one of those warehouses you've seen at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are times when you just can't directly look at the actions that are going on for fear of your face melting off. The aftertaste of shame just lingers in the air around you, so I implore you, if you do watch this train wreck, do it in a room with good air circulation, otherwise the sick feeling might be overwhelming. I also suggest not smoking or drinking during the DVD. Also, don't watch this DVD alone, try to watch it with friends, that way it either becomes more funny, or you can make up a drinking game for how many times Chyna does the reverse cowgirl. However, the DVD does deliver what it promises, Chyna's first anal scene in the dark and murky pool that is pornography, but doesn't go anywhere near delivering what a typical porn movie usually does, arousal and satisfaction.

And on an end note, I would like to quote X-Pac, a.k.a Sean Waltman, because I feel it pretty much sums up the DVD as a whole. He candidly wrote about the porno:

"It saddens me ... but she obviously hasn't progressed very far in life. [Chyna] used to say how low she felt after the first [sex tape] was released ... what does that say about where she's at in life now?"

Indeed Mr. Waltman, what does it say about Chyna now? It basically says that she is either going through some serious financial or emotional problems, or that she will just take attention from wherever she can get it. It's just too hard to say, because I don't know Chyna personally. However I can confidently say that I would not send this DVD to my worst enemy, because the torture is just too much. But don't worry IYH loyalists, I'm still alive, still sane, and even though this was a huge bump in the road for me as a DVD reviewer, I find my resolve strengthened to bring you, the reader, the best possible review of any DVD I set my sights on. It also sends a strong message to Jack E. Jones, be careful what you wish for sir, because you just might get it. Now if you will excuse me, I need to delete this abomination off of my hard drive.





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